Cover Snark: Get Your Antihistamines

As someone who has tremendously bad allergies, this Cover Snark features my nightmare. Enjoy!

Under the Sycamore by J. McCreary. A shirtless man seems to have a tree and moss growing on his chest.

From Tammy: Have you already used this one for Cover Snark? Because I’m thinking this guy really needs to see a doctor. That chest hair is NOT normal.

Sarah: He’s right to be very concerned. I’ve had nightmares like that. Shudder

Amanda: Thanks, I hate it.

Sarah: How much cortisone you think he’s going to need?

Amanda: All of it.

Sarah: I wonder if they sell cortisone in a bucket. He’ll need a trowel. OR WAIT. Maybe it’s mold?!

Amanda: I can already feel my allergies acting up.

Sarah: That’d be a handy way to weed out (HUR) potential dudes. Do they set off your allergies?

Aarya: Is he a tree shifter? Like a dryad? That’s the only reasonable explanation for this.

Lara: Could he be at a body-painting convention? You know, with dramatically different styling (including no more looking at his johnson and feeling sad) I could get into this…

CarrieS: When athlete’s feet gets REALLY out of control, this is what happens.

Victor by Brenda Rothert. A naked man is turned to the side, while a pair of hockey skates are slung over his shoulder. They are blocking his bare bum.

Amanda: I see no blade guards on those skates!!

Elyse: Oh man. I don’t think that mist is ice.

Amanda: A refreshing Sierra Mist maybe?


Aarya: My mind went straight to the gutter but I’m going to pretend it’s ice.

Forget the blade guards. I’m concerned about the temperature. It’s really cold in an ice rink. He needs to layer up. Safety first!

Elyse: Also is Victor his name? Or a description?

Sarah: Assuming that’s ice, and someone is skating near enough to toss ice that high up his legs, he’s got to worry about blades to the front AND to the back. That’s a lot to worry about.

Lara: I suspect the primary purpose of “VICTOR” is to hide the janky photoshop… Also, I can’t quite explain why, but this cover made me LOL. Perhaps I imagined someone shouting VICTOR while shooting ice bits up and Mr Broody in the middle there just not getting into it.

CarrieS: Ouch.

CharlotteB: All I can think is “shrinkage.”

Taming My Wild Rancher. A tan, shirtless man in a cowboy hat is standing suggestively behing a grizzly bear.

From MizFletcher: There are no words that can say more than the poor bear’s expression.

Sarah: Hath we snarked this bear before?

Amanda: We may have? But why is that the default pose whenever a man and bear are on a cover?

Sarah: I really question people’s sense of animal awareness.

Susan: That bear looks attached. Uncomfortably so.

Aarya: This is probably a bear shifter romance. But 1) he’s wearing a cowboy hat and 2) he looks like he’s riding a bear. So I guess that makes him a bearboy?

Sarah: It doesn’t look like he’s wearing pants, and that bear certainly doesn’t have a saddle. Does that mean he’s bare-assed riding a bear bareback?

Susan: *clap*

Sneezy: Looks like a guy on tinder trying to make people thing his dick is a bear.

Lara: Yes, Sarah! He is bare-assed and bored while riding a brooding bear bareback. I might have been a little more interested in tongue twisters if they were more like this and less like Shelly selling sea shells.

CarrieS: Guys, we’ve talked about this so many times. I’ve lived in two different places with large bear populations, and “don’t try to have anal sex with a bear” is the first safety rule. PLEASE don’t make me tell you again.

CharlotteB: The bear is Not Amused.

Hot Nights with the Fireman by Lynne Silver. A fireman in shirtless in a locker room, but he still has on his pants and only one suspender. He has a lot of abs he wants to show you.

Amanda: How many abs is too many abs?

Sneezy: Why’d he only oil is abs?

What’s the point of suspenders if he’s only going to pull his pants down?

Sarah: Something is off with the composition of the photo too and I can’t figure it out.

Amanda: The head looks different than the body.

Sarah: His face and right arm look like they are from a different photo – yes exactly.

The light on the bent arm is also throwing off perspective.

And may I say again, this type of cover art does nothing for me. I feel so strange like, eh. Abs. Oil. Fine.

All it does it remind me of things like, Oh, oil…do I need to make more salad dressing for lunch?

Is my oil change due for my car?

Amanda: As someone with oily skin and whose face is essentially a pizza slice during the summer, oily anything does not get me going.

Sarah: Like, gotta get the sex blanket if someone’s engaging in sexytimes with someone wearing that much oil everywhere. Sheets will not recover from that mess.

Too practical for romance cover art? Come hang out with me.

Amanda: I just imagine a woman trying to straddle him and just slipping right off and onto the floor. A human slip & slide.

Sneezy: We go to water parks and not oil parks for a reason.

Oh wow, that came out less puny and more dirty than I planned on

Aarya: I can’t believe that y’all haven’t mentioned that he’s practically holding (and touching) himself.

Amanda: I mean, I think some of us have penis blindness at this point.

Aarya: I, sadly, have not reached that state of bliss.

Tara: I’m trying to figure out what the left hand is holding onto. Is it the locker door. Because it’s very far away from the rest of the locker.

Sarah: Waaait. Is that the fire hose he brings to the inferno? Better be a very small fire.

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