Cover Snark: Dr. Nips, Private Practice

Cover Snark is here for all your Monday needs!

Centaur Redemption by Nancy Straight. A man and woman are displayed from the torso up in a forest. The woman is wearing a black tank top and the man is shirtless. He has a startlingly long neck.

Amanda: Is his neck the horse part?

Elyse: Yikes. He has too much neck and she has none at all.

Sarah: He looks so uninterested in any kind of redemption – presuming that he is the centaur. It could be her. That would be interesting.

I’ve only read one book with a female centaur now that I think about it.

Carrie: He’s just not into you.

Sarah: He looks so annoyed to be standing in that forest. Like, “Gawd, trees AGAIN?”

Sneezy: Be GRATEFUL you still HAVE a forest, you BRAT! I hope the girl’s the centaur and stomps some goddamn SENSE into him! “WE. NEED. THE. FUCKING. TREES!”

Actually I just hope she stomps him.

Ellen: The man looks like a wax figure of Aaron Eckhart. Also his nipple is like…cradled by the E in “centaur.”

A dude is pressing a woman up against a wooden wall. His forearm is flattened against the woman to the point where it's misshapen.

From Antipoedean Shenanigans: I kept seeing this Photoshop disaster in my Goodreads feed and finally decided to send it in for Cover Snark.

Maybe this is what the Brawny paper towel guy’s arms look like without his flannel.

Sarah: I physically recoiled when the image loaded. I get that it’s just the angle, but –

Amanda: His arm looks like one of those bit mutton legs you get at a renaissance fair.

Sarah: I WAS JUST GOING TO SAY THAT. Turkey leg at Six Flags!

Carrie: I’m not sensing enthusiastic consent from her.

Elyse: The more you look at this one the weirder that arm gets.

Sneezy: Shawarma arm.

Ellen: The arm looks like a leg-of-mutton sleeve but its…its just his arm.

Lara: I am dazzled by that eyebrow-smirk combo, but not in a happy way. In a where-is-the-exit-I-must-leave kind of way.

Tara: Jesus fuck, no. My brain is rebuking the arm (and me for looking at it).

One Girl, Five Hungry Beasts by Hollie Hutchins. Five screaming and shirtless dudes surround a pregnant and masked woman who is wearing a silver dress. A howling wolf is in the background next to a yellowish green full moon.

From Ashley: This appeared in my Amazon recommended list (likely as some sort of karmic punishment for unknown sins) and I had to suggest it for cover snark. Because I can’t even bear to look at it, let alone figure out what is happening.

Sarah: What do you think the stock image search terms were? ‘Screaming angry muscles flexing with rope and a hoodie?’

Also from Jen, same cover: Wolves, a noose, a masquerade mask, a pregnant belly, and rage-filled or possibly orgasmic men. It’s all there! I don’t even know where to start.

Elyse: That’s a lot of bronzer…

Carrie: Is it a cannibal romance? An as-yet unexplored niche?

Sarah: Oh, gosh I hope not. That’ll give me even more nightmares.

Amanda: It reminds me of the people blob from the movie Slither.

Sneezy: Carrie, NO, Amazon will HEAR you! *jams tin foil hat on head* At least that woman will make out okay. While she floats off to wherever, all the dudes will continue screaming, flexing, or star gazing.

Ellen: Of the many upsetting things on this cover, I think I’m most upset by the casual noose.

Tara: Are the dudes supposed to be roaring? The guy in the front looks like he’s singing, which now makes me think the others might be singing too.

Maya: …why the wolf, tho? And why is the moon radioactive?

Surprise Delivery by R.R. Banks. A man in blue scrubs is lifting up his shirt to expose a nipple. He also has a surgical mask that is half hanging off his face.

Amanda: Is his nipple the delivery?

Elyse: Dr .Nips has been juicing.

Amanda: I wonder if all the Dr. Nips have their own practice.

Sarah: I’m surprised by his nipple. It’s looking at me.

Carrie: Another case of confusing romance with horror. I saw this X-Files episode. It was not romantic.

Sneezy: Is that a cord jammed between his pec and his abs? Is he about to pull an Akira? I’m concerned.

Ellen: New baby who dis.

Lara: Removing a mask + showing a nipple + looking pensive = not a combo that I have ever considered could this be a kink that I was unaware of?

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