Happy Cover Snark Day, everyone!

Take Me Hard by Kate Douglas. A shirtless dude, wearing gloves. He has an itchy looking rope slung over his shoulders.

From Chris: The chest hair on this cover seems so…realistic?

Close up:

A close up of the man's bare chest.

Elyse: He’s gonna get rope burn.

Sarah: I have this impulse to bring the photo to my aesthetician and ask, “Is that too short to wax? It is, right?”

I estimate that’s about 6 days of hair growth, maybe a bit more, and he’s probably ITCHY. Hence the rope.

Elyse: It looks like he shaved and now it’s in the itchy stage of growing back.

Sarah: Exactly. Only thing that’ll soothe the irritation: rope.

Amanda: Can you imagine trying to run your hand over his chest? It’d be like caressing a cheese grater.

Elyse: I enjoy a hirsute man, but that hair needs to be soft, you know? I don’t want to cuddle and walk away with a rash on my cheek.

Amanda: I dated a guy who did a lot of track and field and he decided to shave his arms. Just brushing up against him was a painful experience.

Carrie: That’s not a hand, Title Person.

Sarah: “Hard.”

“Hand.”

Eh. Same difference.

Catherine: *sings* “Take me hard… take me whole [censored] too…”.

(‘Cos I can’t help writing bad song parodies for you. Apparently.)

Ellen: This is like he waxed because he’s a stripper but now he’s quit that job and the hair has just started growing back.

Tara: Is that why he put his gloves on and didn’t consider a shirt?

AJ: First of all, I definitely also read “Take Me Hand.” In a pirate voice.

Secondly, maybe the whole “gloves on, shirt off” approach to construction work explains what happened to his chest hair? Belt sanders throw a lot of sparks.

Sneezy: I guess it only makes sense that there’d be a hedgehog shifter eventually. The spikes are all in the wrong place, but hey.

Tarsus by J.C. Owens. A headless centaur man is on a mountain with pale white skin. A shirtless dude is hanging out in the sky.

From Jiobal: I guess there is supposed to be a centaur somewhere but all I see are mutilated torsi. Which explains the title, sort of?

Amanda: nope

no

no thanks

The dude has no neck and the horse has too much torso.

Sarah: I keep seeing faces in that torso. Like a Ditto pokemon in mid-shift.

Elyse: Remember Animorphs? This is his cousin.

Carrie: Hey man. Animorphs has WAY better special effects than the melting horse.
Granted, melting horse sets a super low bar…

Ellen: This cover is causing me to ask questions about skin tone and horsehair color on centaurs that I have never before considered and I wish I could go back to the time before I was asking them.

Tara: My brain is revolting against this. Like, is the torso too long? Is that supposed to be a dude centaur? The abs are coming out of where I imagine a neck should be. I just want to rebuke it in the name of good centaurs everywhere.

Shana: I spent several seconds just trying to figure out if the belly button was a mouth. I think Centaurs need PR help.

Catherine: …at least the colour scheme is nice?

AJ: What I want to know is, how does he get his abs to look like that? I can’t think of a single abdominal exercise that you could do if half of your body was a horse. Planks are right out.

Sneezy: Is anyone else somehow reminded of a human centipede? One that’s somehow surviving in the cold?

Rugged Man by C.W. Clinger. A photo of a man in a sepia tone. He's holding the hem of his shirt in his mouth and giving finger guns to the readers.

From Skye: Just… who would sleep with this guy?

Sarah: I eat my shirt, YOU eat your shirt! *fingerguns*

Carrie: Isn’t this the second cover with the eating of the shirt? Why? Why is this thought to be sexy? Why?

Sarah: Maybe it’s an attempt at visually representing a “Hnnnnngh” sound?

Only with that much thread count, it would be a little different.

Carrie: He looks like that Frat guy that gives Frats a bad name

Elyse: I want to punch him.

Amanda: This is a very 80s and 90s boy band stance.

Ellen: Okay I’ve DEFINITELY seen Tinder profile pics that look like this (unfortunately)

Tara: Friends don’t let friends swipe right on this dude.

Catherine: I feel like they made some poor choices with colour tone. Separately, the eyes with only the whites showing, the shirt-chewing and the pointing fingers are all mildly disturbing. Add the corpselike tinge to his skin tone and I’m thinking zombie.

AJ: Something is very disturbing about the placement of that nipple. Is it ashamed? Is the right side of his torso slowly deflating? It worries me.

Sneezy: Is anyone else disturbed by the placement of his head in relation to the rest of his body?

Wild Thing by J.A. Huss. A woman in heels is hovering over a man's shoulder.

From Eve: WHAT IS SHE EVEN SITTING ON?

Sarah: What the hell is going on?

Amanda: Is her heel just going right into his belly button?

Sarah: Maybe that’s her leverage for reaching the sky?

Elyse: What is she balanced on?

Amanda: A stool, I think?

Carrie: Is that a shoe or are you just happy to see me?

Ellen: Is that a shoe or are you puncturing my internal organs with some other implement?

Kiki: They clearly got this shot while that woman was in the middle of trying to pull her dress down.

Catherine: Unless she’s not sitting on anything, and this is an action shot of her dropping down on him from above to skewer him with her stiletto…?

Sneezy: Facing the WRONG WAY, asshole! Get your ass in line before I extract you intestines with my shoes!

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