1. These are always the longest two minutes in the history of mankind.
2. Would it be weird if I ask, “so whaddaya think, doc, everything all right in there?”
3. “I wonder if they appreciate my bikini wax? I hope they don’t notice the ingrown hairs.”
4. Hmmm, I’m pretty sure this is the only situation more embarrassing than getting the wax job.
5. It’s funny how they tell you that “you’re going to feel a slight discomfort,” as if it’s all been a relaxing massage up until now.
6. It’s funny that we pretend this cute little disposable smock helps us preserve our dignity during the 10-foot walk between the bathroom and the examination table, only to spread our legs wide open once we get there.
7. No one has ever been able to maintain their dignity wearing this thing, tbh.
8. Putting up with all this AND freezing your ass off? It’s like a sick joke.
9. I’ve already counted every spot on the ceiling. What do I do to entertain myself now?
10. Jeez, are they putting a hydraulic jack in there?!
11. I complain, but of course, I KNOW it’s important to get exams and all that.
12. I just hope they don’t come at me with that glass vibrator thing.
13. It’s 2017 and they still haven’t invented something better than this freezing cold, disgusting ooze to do ultrasounds with?
14. Also, why do they swirl the gel onto the probe like it’s a McDonald’s ice cream cone?
15. Lying here like this makes me feel like I’m in one of those films about alien abduction.
16. Or I’m a car at the auto shop.
17. Is it possible the doctor has never handled human breasts before?
18. And is it really necessary to narrate your every move?
19. You know what? No, I don’t need to see the monitor with a live feed of the INSIDE OF MY BODY right now. Thanks.
20. Say you won’t need a biopsy, pretty please…
21. This doctor has probably seen, like, 10,000 vaginas. That’s crazy.
22. I wonder how mine is doing down there? I wish I could get a peek at her.
23. Oh god, I wonder if they can tell how often you get laid just by looking at it.
24. I’m going to assume that after a morning of this, it’s going to be hard to feel comfortable at all for the rest of the day.
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