[The Android Police Files #14] Artemisia u don’t get out of my phone u r going to fail and I am not play with ya’ll

It’s been over half a year since the last installment of the AP Files was published, and the world has undergone some drastic changes. There’s a squeezable phoneBezel-less phones now dominate the world. And the newest LG phones haven’t had any major reports of bootlooping. I’m sorry, I had to.

Six months is indeed quite a long time, and it’s definitely enough time for us to have received some more… let’s call them interesting letters in our mailboxes.

Letter #1

Subject: Free pixel

Text:

I just want to free ixel hlphone to test it’s features

Don’t we all, man. Don’t we all. Side note: you may need a new keyboard.

Letter #2

To: APK Mirror

Subject: Uploads

Reason: Website Feedback

Text:

I want the best porn videos played on my fone and downloader

We don’t have any specific recommendations as to sources of these videos, but if you’ve got a recent Samsung flagship, Secure Folder may be worth checking out. You seem like the kind of person who’d need a feature like that.

Letter #3

There’s a reason we try to keep politics off of the site, and this guy is an excellent example of why. He just had to convey his (slightly controversial) thoughts on the United States’ two most recent commanders-in-chief to us, though. Also, we miss you, Liam and Phil!

Letter #4

Subject: YOUR WEBSITE GAVE MY COMPUTER A VIRUS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Text:

WELL HELLO PEOPLE,
YOU ADDED A VIRUS ON OUR COMPUTER AND WHEN WE CALLED YOU GUYS DID NOT PICK UP. LUCKILY, WE FIXED IT WITH OUT YOUR ASSISTANCE ,BUT YOU GUYS CALLED BACK AFTER WE FIXED IT. YOU GUYS WERE VERY RUDE ON THE PHONE AND WHEN WE TRIED TO COMPLAIN YOU JUST BID US A GOOD DAY. I AM VERY SORRY FOR EMAIL ,BUT WE FELT VERY DISRESPECTED AND I THINK THAT YOU GUYS NEED TO FIX YOUR WEBSITE BECAUSE MANY OTHER PEOPLE USE YOUR PROGRAM. I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED FOR HOW I WAS TREATED, HOW THE WEBSITE WORKS AND HOW WE GOT A VIRUS JUST FROM MAKING A DOWNLOAD. TAAAKKKEEE TTTHHHIISSS LLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!
I BID YOU A GOOD DAY,
XXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXX

The whole letter had all the telltale signs of being written by an elderly person, all the way up until the very angry rendition of “take this L,” which is by all accounts a modern phrase, at the end. I’m assuming this guy’s grandson taught him how the kids are speaking today?

Letter #5

Subject: Hackers

Text:

Between you and Google on my phone I was wondering why and also what’s a partner file on my phone for I was never notfied

Sorry dude, we weren’t notified either. Probably hackers.

Letter #6

My best interpretation of this comment is that Jo’s son/daughter is a tech enthusiast and used his/her mother’s account to follow Artem on Google+. Jo, however, is not very enthusiastic about tech and demands that Artem gets out of her G+ feed. That still doesn’t explain the “I am not play with ya’ll [sic],” though. Back to the drawing board.

Letter #7

Subject: APKMirror cancelation

Text:

Canceling this crappie apkmirror.

Letter #8

Subject: Flushable alpk

Text:

I can just use soon to flaahbthem to device?

Yes, flaahbthem away.

That’s all, folks!

There you have it: the eight most cringeworthy letters that we’ve received in the past six months. If you haven’t already suffered a mental breakdown from reading these and you’re game for more, previous editions of the AP Files can be found here.

And just a reminder: you don’t have to be tech-illiterate to send us tips. If you’ve got some information that you think we should know, check out our contact page to see all the ways you can reach us.

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