After a week long hiatus (and a long Monday at work) I’m lounging in my AC and looking forward to some reality TV. I have a rum and coke. I have pizza. I’m wearing Wonder Woman shorts. Life is good.
Last week Rachel dismissed a whole bunch of dudes meaning only six contenders are left. I only remember two names: Peter and Eric. The rest is a rum-fueled blur. Rachel needs to narrow the dudes down to four contestants for the hometown dates (and because Chris Harrison requires two more sacrifices to walk in daylight).
It’s worth pointing out that by this point in filming, everyone is exhausted and sharing the same viral infection from all the kissing. I predict tears at some point.
I do remember that Lee, and the parakeet who lives in his hair (Mr. Tweeters), were sent home. Kenny also left, but after coming to an agreement with Rachel that he needed to be with his daughter.
And now, on with the show!
This week everyone goes to Geneva, Switzerland. Rachel shows up in the guys’ hotel room wearing the most amazing all-white slacks and sweater combo. I would have immediately spilled something down the front of me. She tells the dudes that there will be no Dreaded Rose Ceremony this week, instead there will be three one-on-ones followed by a group (three-on-one) date.
The first date goes to Bryan. They leave the hotel and walk up to a car that looks very, very expensive. It’s a Bentley. That’s the entire extent of my knowledge of cars. I don’t even know if my car is all wheel drive or…what’s the alternative? I just know when it makes that annoying rattling sound, you slam your fist on the center console.
After Bryan gets to drive the super fancy car (his penis grew three sizes that day!) they go shopping for luxury watches. They buy a his and hers set of watches that I’m pretty sure costs between $4000-$16,000. THANKS ABC!
While Rachel and Bryan sip champagne and make out in a garden, the next date card is delivered to the dudes back at the hotel. The next one-on-one goes to Dean. Dean wants to move forward with Rachel, but worries about the hometown dates because he doesn’t have a good relationship with his family.
Cut back to Bryan and Rachel’s date. They are sitting at a table with food they aren’t allowed to eat. Bryan tells Rachel that his last serious girlfriend wasn’t willing to compromise and broke up with him because of his mom–but doesn’t specify.
IT’S A NORMAN BATES SITUATION ISNT IT?!
Regardless, Rachel gives Bryan/Norman the date rose, guaranteeing that she will meet his family in Miami on the next episode.
The next day Rachel and Dean go on their one-on-one date. Rachel has previously said that her faith is very important to her, and she and Dean go to Mass in a beautiful cathedral. Then they dance in a cobblestone square while an organist plays. But that’s not the interesting part–the organ grinder has a super chill, long haired cat just napping next to him. Most. Relaxed. Cat. Ever.
I would have stopped the date to pet the cat, obviously.
Dean “I think I’m falling in love–”
Me “SHUT UP DEAN. I’M PETTING THE CAT.”
Meanwhile, Dean worries that his dysfunctional family dynamic will alienate Rachel. In a previous episode, Dean talked about how his family fractured after his mother’s death.
At brunch Rachel tries to pin Dean down on what he’s thinking.
“Talk to me about it, Dean. Tell me your feelings,” she says.
“Tell me your favorite dinosaur,” Dean replies.
I DID NOT MAKE THAT UP.
When faced with uncomfortable conversation, Dean immediately becomes ten-years-old.
“Do you believe in the tooth fairy?” he asks.
At dinner Rachel forces Dean to have a real conversation with her. He admits that he’s afraid for her to meet his family, especially his father who he describes as “eccentric” and “patriarchal.”
Rachel tells Dean that she doesn’t need his family to be perfect, and she gives him the date rose.
The next one-on-one date goes to Peter. If you’re counting (like Chris Harrison) we have two roses and four dudes left.
Peter and Rachel take a helicopter ride to the Alps. They land on Glacier 3000, where a dog sled is waiting for them.
Fun fact, sled dogs poop while pulling the sled so you’ve got frozen little turdlets hitting you while you mush. Sorry to ruin the mood. Don’t breathe through your mouth, guys.
While the dogs take a break, Rachel and Peter sit on the glacier and have a Very Serious Conversation, which is hilarious because both are clearly miserable and freezing. Rachel bounces up and down, squeezing her eyes closed. Peter’s hair is legit freezing white.
During dinner, Peter admits that he’s never dated a black woman, let alone brought one home. He also says that his last relationship ended in part because of his family, although, again, he doesn’t elaborate.
He says he “loved” his last girlfriend but “couldn’t give all of [his] love” to her. WTF does that even mean? Did you have a love obstruction? A blockage of some kind? It isn’t a finite thing.
Rachel tells Peter that she wants them to go deeper–THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID–and gives Peter the rose.
That means Adam, Eric, and The Guy Whose Name I Forgot have to compete for the final rose.
Eric, Adam, and The Guy Whose Name I Forgot go with Rachel on a boat ride to France. Adam talks about the differences between the words “challenging” and “difficult” and everyone falls asleep for a minute.
Rachel talks privately with Eric and confesses that part of the process…sorry JOURNEY of being The Bachelorette is being selfish, something she isn’t comfortable with. Eric tells her she has the right to be selfish with such an important choice.
Rachel tells The Guy Whose Name I Forgot that he reminds her the most of herself. She starts crying as she tells him that their relationship hasn’t progressed as far as the other dudes.
“I hate to say goodbye to you like this,” she sobs.
That means we’re down to Eric, Adam, and one final rose. Somewhere Chris Harrison is cackling and tapping his fingertips together.
Next up Adam and Eric sit down to the world’s awkwardest dinner with Rachel. Adam reminds Rachel of all their wonderful times together “like the mud wrestling date.” Ah, sweet memories.
When Rachel talks to Eric privately, he tells her that she’d be the first woman he’s ever brought home. He also talks about how he grew up in Baltimore and how it tough it was. He grew up around drugs and abuse and poverty.
“Seeing healthy relationships is not something that’s common to me,” Eric tells her. “I use positivity to cover up my pain.”
“Who helps Eric?” she asks him.
“That’s why I’m here,” he says.
While sitting at a tiny table looking at cheesecake they can’t eat, Rachel tells Adam and Eric that this decision is really hard for her. She ultimately dismisses Adam, giving Eric the rose.
“This fucking sucks,” Adam says as he’s chauffeured away.
And that’s where the episode ends. Are you still watching? What do you think of the final four?
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