Elyse Watches The Bachelorette – Episode 2: Fish Don’t Work That Way

Elyse Watches The Bachelorette with Kraken Rum and Coke with a big rose at the bottomIt’s Monday, which means I have a glass of Kraken rum and Coke Zero, a future Tuesday full of regret, and The Bachelorette on my DVR.

Last week was even worse than I expected. Sure the producers usually throw some “characters” into the mix for the first day, but someone went overboard this time.

There was Adam who showed up with a FUCKING PUPPET that looked like him, Adam Jr. There was a guy dressed as a penguin. For no reason there was a guy who would interrupt Rachel’s conversations with other men by vacuuming (he brought the vacuum with him, BTW), there was the guy that listed his job as “tickle monster,” and then there was Whaboom.

If you look up “fuckboy” in Webster’s dictionary, you get a picture of Whaboom. His real name is Lucas, he thinks it’s hilarious to shake his head back and forth super fast while screaming “whhhhhaaaaaaboooooommmm!” and he has a tee-shirt with a picture of himself and #whaboom on it.

I would have strangled someone.

Now it’s time for episode two. Tuesday gonna be like:

Ben Wyatt from Parks and Rec is hungover and says he threw up in the shower.

The show opens up with Chris Harrison talking to the contestants. He says he hopes they are all there for the right reasons. As previously established, Chris was cursed by an evil wizard, so he can never leave the McMansion and must count roses forever. After thirteen seasons of wandering the McMansion’s hideous gold walls, longing for human contact that isn’t televised, Chris may not be sure what the right reasons are.

If this series doesn’t end with Chris going on a murder spree while murmuring, “We’re down to the final rose,” I’ll be super disappointed.

Chris Harrison is holding a glass bowl up to his face while sitting next to a bunch of roses.
What is Chris Harrison doing? We don’t know.

Now, I was hoping that during the night Lucas/Whaboom had fallen in love with the puppet, Adam Jr, and they had run off to Vegas. Unfortunately my hopes were unrealized and he’s still there, annoying everyone.

The group date is a BBQ at a park with what looks like a delicious spread, Moscow Mules, and a pick up game of football. Then everyone takes a stroll and who is there? ASHTON KUTCHER AND MILA KUNIS.

Whoa. What happened to their careers? Yikes.

According to the couple, their Monday nights are spent with white wine, a vodka tonic and The Bachelor / Bachelorette. That’s kind of sweet, actually.

Ashton Kutcher, Mila Kunis and Rachel pose for the camera.

Anyway, Mila starts by asking who has a job and health insurance.

One of the men says, “You’re setting the bar really low here!”

“Have you seen The Bachelor?” Mila replies.

Bette Davis laughs hysterically.

Mila and Ashton have set up a “Husband Material” obstacle course to test the dudes’ ability to function like adults with a basic level of life skills. It’s actually depressing when I think about it.

Shocking no one, Whaboom fucks up epically.

Hope you have alternate plans in case being Bachelorette-famous doesn’t work out for you, dude.

The first part of the challenge involves changing the dirty diaper of a plastic baby. A lot of the guys have never changed a diaper before and completely freak out. OMG IT’S NOT EVEN REAL POOP YOU GUYS.

Kenny, who is a dad, is all like, “Pffffft I’ve been elbow deep in yellow poop.” Kenny has seen some shit. Literally.

Then the dudes have to unclog two drains. Somehow Whaboom manages to drop his baby in the sink, thereby drowning the doll. For reasons I don’t understand, THE PRETEND DEATH OF HIS SURROGATE CHILD doesn’t immediately lead to elimination. In fact, he wins.

Stoked for his moment in the spotlight, Whaboom approaches Ashton Kutcher and this exchange happens. It was so good I had to watch it three times while cackling:

Whaboom: “I feel like Ashton Kutcher should give us a Whaboom.”

Ashton: “I…what?”

Mila: “A Whaboom. The…whooooo….”

Ashton: “I don’t even know what that is.”

Mila: “It’s the sound he makes.” (She says this with the sort of horrified kindness you’d use to say to a new acquaintance “Um, your dog just had diarrhea everywhere.”)

Ashton: “Uh..the…for what?”

Mila: “Like…excitement?”

Ashton: “WHY?”

Mila: “Just cuz he can?”

Then Whaboom does the whaboom and Ashton looks at him like he’s a fucking idiot.

Ashton: “I don’t even know what that was.”

So during the cocktail party Blake E tells the other guys that he knows Whaboom because he lives with Whaboom’s ex girlfriend and that the guy is just an asshole who wants to be on TV.

YOU DON’T SAY.

While Blake E and Whaboom argue like idiots (“The only leg I have to stand on are my two legs!”–Whaboom) Kenny talks about his ten-year-old daughter and my heart melts. Despite that, Dean gets the group date rose.

Peter gets the first one-on-one date, and Rachel brings along her super adorable floofy dog, Copper. OMG.

Copper, Rachel and Peter chill out at the doggy pool party.
Look at that precious floofy biscuit!

They go to–I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP–a doggy pool party. I WANT TO BE THERE RIGHT NOW AND ALWAYS. THIS IS WHERE GOOD PEOPLE GO WHEN THEY DIE.

I’ve had like half a rum and Coke and the doggy pool party is so pure and wonderful I actually tear up.

It doesn’t matter who gets the final rose, Rachel will always have Copper. SHE WILL ALWAYS HAVE TRUE LOVE.

Mascara runs down Stephen Colbert's face while he sobs and says I just feel like my heart is going to burst because it's full of rainbows.

Cut back to the McMansion. Chris Harrison announces the participants for the second group date.

DeMario says, inexplicably, “You can either sink with the fishes or you can swim to shore. And we’re gonna see who’s built Ford tough.”

Did you get that?

I feel like you didn’t have time to process that.

The words You can either sink with the fishes or you can swim to shore. And we're gonna see who's built Ford tough overlaid on an inspirational photo of a beach at sunrise

So…DeMario doesn’t know how fish work.

I guarantee you he’s not being paid by Ford. He just blindly panicked and grabbed a slogan that he totally didn’t just see on TV (cuz they can’t have TV) and blurted it out.

Please, Jesus, let the next guy say, “Ba-dah-dah-dah-dah I’m lovin’ it!”

We had to pause at this point because I was cry laughing. The more I think about the fish thing, the funnier it gets. Like, maybe he’s been looking at DEAD fish for God  knows how long and thinking “That fish is doing a really great job of being a fish. He made it all the way to shore.”

I can’t breathe.

I think we go back to Rachel’s date with Peter but I’m laughing so hard I can’t tell.

Then we’re on to the second group date. The guys are playing basketball and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar shows up.

Is this the year of “What random celebrities are part of Bachelor/ette nation?”  This episode is better in the “Wait, why are you here?” department than several seasons of Dancing with the Stars.

Rachel and the dudes are playing basketball.
Sportsball. Meh.

So there’s some sportsball stuff and I’m all:

This guy is asleep in what appears to be a TV audience. As people start clapping, he sits up and claps, still half asleep.

So after the sportsballing, a woman named Lexie approaches Rachel. She tells Rachel that DeMario is her boyfriend and she had no idea he was going to be on The Bachelorette until she saw it on TV.

Rachel goes and gets DeMario from the locker room. When he sees Lexie he says, “Who is this?” super cheerfully.

Lexie says, “Karma is a bitch. You still have keys to my apartment you BLEEP.” Pretty sure she said motherfucker, if you’re wondering.

DeMario wants to talk off camera because “this is personal life stuff.”

Kevin Spacey as Frank Underwood gives serious side eye at the camera

DeMario goes from “Who is this person?” to “I was sleeping with her but we broke up” to “maybe I didn’t explicitly break up with her” to “I don’t have her keys” to “I mailed you your keys” to “OH LOOK YOUR KEYS IN MY HAND THIS WHOLE TIME HAHAHA.”

It’s a clusterfuck.

Rachel, to her credit, is having none of it. “I’m gonna need you to get the fuck out,” Rachel says. “I don’t like being embarrassed. I can’t even fucking look at you right now.”

She walks off in the style of a woman who looks like she could commit murder or put away a whole bottle of Malbec or maybe both at the same time.

DeMario never owns up to his shittiness or the fact that he doesn’t know that fish have swim bladders.

Rachel is like WTF

Rachel lets the other guys know what happened. They make an effort to cheer her up, and Josiah gets the group date rose.

Then it’s time for the cocktail party. While Rachel hangs with the remaining men, DeMario shows back up because he wants to talk Rachel again. He thinks he’s a victim of character assassination even though he admits he “fucked up.” He is clearly that kind of motherfucker who can’t take no for an answer and deserves to be banished from this earth.

Instead security goes and gets Chris Harrison, who is like “DeMario? Have you…come back? WASTING IN MY LONELY TOWER…!”

The Beast from Beauty and the Beast stands in his crumbling room, doing a face palm

When the dudes find out that DeMario is back a wave of toxic masculinity pulses through the McMansion. They want to beat him up! He lied! He hurt Rachel! I can smell testosterone and Axe Body Spray.

Then… TO BE CONTINUED!

So what did you think of the drama surrounding DeMario? Are you still watching? 

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