1. You start to feel like a damn chameleon because your skin pigmentation changes…
2. …even on your vagina. YES, your vagina can change color too – like a darkish blue or purple-red. (It’s called Chadwick’s sign.)
3. Your ~friends~ bacne and boobne (you know, acne on your boobs) show up to remind you just how raging your hormones are.
4. Visibly dark veins appear on your boobs, making your boobs look like a road map of the Hollywood Hills.
5. And while we’re talking about boobs, yours get so big so fast they may not grow evenly. One boob may be the “appetizer” and the other the “main course.”
6. Your blood volume significantly increases, which explains all those protruding veins that show up on your body and bloody noses you commonly get.
7. You become all sorts of stopped up when it comes to dropping a deuce.
8. Your ankles virtually disappear underneath a sea of swelling.
9. You begin to feel like Sasquatch because your hair not only grows faster and thicker, but also in places you didn’t know hair could grow.
10. You become a human garbage disposal. All food is good food, and food belongs in your belly because ~the baby~ is hungry 24/7.
11. You experience something called the mucous plug:
bloody show which is basically a big (and sometimes bloody) string of mucus your body expels before birth.
12. You develop a dark line that extends from your belly button to your crotch.
13. Speaking of your belly button, it’ll probably stick out and people will want to poke it like you’re the Pillsbury Dough Boy.
14. You’ll spend the majority of time with your head in the toilet during those first few months — because, you know, everything makes you puke.
15. You basically become a leaky faucet. You can leak from your vagina and from your boobs with just a gentle squeeze.
16. And since you leak so much ~down there~, you sometimes are forced to create makeshift pads during necessary situations.
17. Your stomach isn’t always a perfectly round sphere; your baby is like a ninja in there, which makes your belly sometimes look like one of the Coneheads.
18. Stretchies form on your stomach and your boobs. They’re like your pregnancy tattoos.
19. You become an expert at peeing into tiny cups. Your doctors inspect it at every visit, so it becomes like second nature.
20. You’re always hot. It feels like you’ve been trapped in a sauna for five years with five layers of clothes on.
21. And because you’re always burning up, you get underboob sweat, foot sweat, thigh sweat — even sweat in places where sweat shouldn’t form.
22. You crave and eat the most disgusting, weirdest combinations of food imaginable. Cottage cheese and mustard? Delicious. Peanut butter and pickles? Even better.
23. Your belly becomes so large and in charge you can’t bend down to shave your legs or lady parts…
24. …and since taking a shower is such a tiring process, you’ll skip washing your hair since it just gets greasy AF a couple of hours later anyway!
25. You wear the same maternity bra over and over. Washing clothes is exhausting, showering is exhausting, EVERYTHING IS EXHAUSTING.
26. When you eat (which is all the time), crumbs fall down your shirt and you don’t bother to retrieve them because, remember, EVERYTHING IS EXHAUSTING.
27. You can go from the ugly cry to the cry-laugh, which turns into the pee-laugh, all in a matter of seconds because your hormones are out of whack.
28. You get to a point where you just let farts rip. You have no fucks to give.
29. You gotta tinkle all the time. In fact, you have to pee so much, it just starts coming out during everyday activities, like laughing or sneezing.
30. You experience weird vaginal discharge on a daily basis. I’ll spare you the elaborate details.
31. Your thighs love touching each other so much, you get to experience thigh chafing at the highest level.
32. Hemorrhoids are real and hemorrhoids can happen. It’s either a result of pushing during that horrible constipation or when you push that human being out of you.
33. You feel like your baby is throwing fire bombs up your esophagus, resulting in the worst heartburn of your life.
34. And okay, yes – you actually enjoy watching those graphic birthing videos. Because, hey, it’s research: You want to be prepared! ¯_(ツ)_/¯
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